When A Baby Is Born, So Too Is A Mother
When I first saw the "positive" sign on the pregnancy test, I understood that my life was about to change. I even understood that it was about to change a lot. And yet, I didn't (couldn't possibly) comprehend just how much.
I knew that my belly would stretch to a shocking degree, and that my body would never be the same. I was aware that my identity would shift from just a girl to someone's mom, and my priorities along with it. I grappled with the fears and resistance I felt around becoming a mom, despite a planned pregnancy we were very much looking forward to.
But I had no idea that really, everything changes in motherhood. I've written about matrescence here before, the term coined by Dana Raphael in the 1970s. Raphael described it this way: "the changes [that occur during pregnancy that] alter the neural basis of the self."
It's my experience, and I'm learning of countless other women across the world, that indeed, the basis of self gets turned upside down, righted, and turned upside down all over again – that there is no corner of life that is untouched by this disorienting rite of passage. I’ve found postpartum to be a renegotiation of my place in the world. With whom? I am still developing a list, but thus far it seems that it’s with society, with culture, with family, with work, with ambition, with creativity, with myself.
I feel very lucky to have come across the book Matrescence by Lucy Jones early in my pregnancy, when I was experiencing perinatal depression and feeling very much alone in it. Jones put into words what I was feeling, and it only rings more true the more I return to it. Since learning about matrescence, I've seen the word everywhere — I don't know if it's my algorithm, a shift in culture, or both. But I'm hopeful it becomes a household word, and that when babies are born, it's understood that so too, is a mother.
Like so many therapists, I find myself drawn to work related to my own life experiences. And while I could write another post entirely about how this must be navigated with care and training, what I want to say today is this: if you are a mother — whether in pregnancy, postpartum, or years into it — I hope you find space to explore, sit with, and honor the transformation you've experienced. If you're struggling with this renegotiation, please find someone who specializes in perinatal mental health and build a team of people who will care for you.
A wonderful resource to explore is Postpartum Support International.
